Two boys

I'm afraid not to write a post. I'm afraid you all will freak out if I miss a night and assume something really bad happened.

Well, what if I just don't feel like writing about Sam's day? What if it was pretty much the same as yesterday, which means that it sucked, and I feel sad? I just feel so overwhelmingly sad, because although Sam is still here, he's not. And soon he won't be here. What then? I miss my bright and shining boy. I miss the boy who ran instead of walked. 
Sam at Purim 2011

At the same time, I can't remember him. I can look at pictures and I know that was him, but my memories are gone. I've been promised that they will come back. I guess I have that to look forward to.
Sam the builder at Bubbe and Poppy's

Meanwhile I love this new boy too. I know I've said that before, but I want to be sure it's understood that if we had some sort of miracle and Sam was saved but not restored to his former shining self I would be so grateful. I would take care of this new boy forever. He is precious to me too.
Sam with Beary and Sully

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let it Go

Image
We had no plans for Passover. No one wants to do anything. My mother has always hosted the Seder and led the planning, and this year, as her voice broke, she told me she didn't want to do it. I offered to do something, anything, even just a nod to tradition, in our home. No takers. So I let it go (go ahead and sing. I am one of 4 people on the planet that has not seen this movie. We no longer have a child of the age that enjoys animated features). Passover 2012-Pre-Diagnosis We used to be the Friday night service type. On a regular basis Abby, Sam and I would attend shul. Sam sat with his friends in the front row, and Abby and I sat with my friends, the parents of Sam's friends, right behind them-within shushing and blessing distance. Three times a year we hosted oneg Shabbat after services in honor of our children's birthdays (Oneg Shabbat means joy of Shabbat so we brought snacks and treats because food = joy, right?). We always had cake, and it had to be from costco. Whe...
Read more

It's not all rainbows adorable bald heads

Image
I should write something. No, not because I think you expect me to. Because I want to. Several times a day I have thought-about Sam, about cancer, about siblings, about grief-and I think, "I should write that down." Writing helps me to process my thoughts and emotions, and I want to share this with you. I don't want to hold anything back. I want you to know how crappy it is live without Sam. I also want to remember. I want you to remember. If we stop thinking, talking, writing about him, then was he ever really here? It's been almost 2 weeks since I put my thoughts on paper-that's how I used to explain writing to my students. Whether they were in 1st grade or 6th grade, they were always afraid to write. "Don't stress out. It's just thoughts on paper," I would tell them. There's always time later to go back, reread, fix, adjust, perfect. "Just get your ideas out before you forget them." Here's one idea spinning in my head today-f...
Read more

This suit sucks.

So here's the latest. Sam can barely walk now, and that's with me or John helping him. His left leg is just not doing any work. He absolutely cannot stand unless we are holding him up. Again today he did not want to bring the teens to school or pick them up. He spent more time than usual sleepy and resting on the couch. He's not really sleeping much throughout the day, but he is very out of it and not very interested in TV, cards, or dominoes. He still wants to eat, but this is definitely a new low. We continue to have visitors, but I caution you that we may cancel on you at the last minute. Today marks one year since an adult saw him having a seizure and thus began our quest for treatment. Friday will mark one year since diagnosis. 
Read more